deviation

I wonder if sometimes things hasn't been happening like that, probably it would still be intact.

sometimes reflecting back on my decisions to changes that happened.

on surface it may seems that acceptance is acknowledging to the situation,
however it could be simply becuz it's a question with only an answer.

since her departure, I had been in a period of solitary, grief & dilemma, but not withdrawn.
adaptation to changes in lifestyle, changes to my pursuit, realisation about perceptions towards things & people..

thinking that " able to wake up in every morning, is considered a chance to having a second life.. a chance to live for another day in this world. and shall be grateful for having this opportunity. "


stage 2 occurred swiftly during process of adjustment in stage 1 : a new character entered into life

in reflect to this occurrence, I believe that when some thing has gone, you might recoup from another thing. It's a give & take, sacrifice & gain.

I'm still shifting & conforming to the change even till now. This is something that does not happens only to me but involving another partner and people around me.

I realised it's not easy to achieve stabilism and harmonious in two.
even though if communication & thinking are somehow alike, there'll be elements that disintegrate the progression & process.

I thought my temper is controllable, but I found that it's my mood that changes so rapidly which affect my words, thoughts, decision, cognition and action. Definitely what triggered to my change in mood is the environment, and most importantly is the person beside you that causes this change.. sometimes is the action, or might be the words said, or the ideas portrayed. AND I somehow extensively disagree on ' mood change is due to biological functioning in body '!!!

for myself, I knew very well is becuz of the trigger of external factors leading to my change in mood.

I always had problems expressing myself... in words.
and I think it's not that I had difficulties in expressing my thoughts, but perhaps I did not want to reveal.

It could be tough for another partner if my expressions aren't clear but it's something that has build in a person on her way of speaking, sharing & interacting.

there were many times I hope for certain actions, longing for the expectation.
I know if I don't express what I want, people wouldn't know.
however, in the end, I still didn't portray out my thoughts and desire. I let it pass. or I should say I pushed the words back into my mouth.

It's not about the courage that I couldn't express myself well but it's that partial introvert character that lies within me.
My action actually wanted very much to show and speak up my thoughts but it's my mind that diverted this thought & I always end up comforting myself by thinking that I should not expect so much but accept what is shown from another partner.

Exactly like how I'm feeling right now..
I'm feeling lethargic becuz of my severe flu condition that strikes me again!
& I was hoping for some comfort..
I mentally preserved myself to complete my piano teachings today even though I knew my body is turning on the red light signal, telling me to rest.
I rushed back home after teachings & laid down, & then I looked around my space..suddenly feeling quite lonely, having no one around in house & with that bad condition of my body, I really hope someone could be beside me. At that moment I really hope he could be beside me. But it turned out to be only walls & sounds from television. I went unconscious after that & woke up around 7. The darkness in the house added on to my loneliness. I kept checking on my phone, hoping to receive a concern from him, a call or a text to ask if I'm feeling better.


but


until now, I hasn't heard anything. no message.




I very much wanted to see him & call him but then thoughts came across my mind..
' I shouldn't call him..I'll wait for his text & call of concern "
I know it's a negative action that I shouldn't do becuz I should just call to him, who knows he might be waiting for my call..
but does he know that I'm waiting for his call as well?
I thought he would take initiative to ask me if I'm feeling better now......


but I waited
& waited
& waited


maybe he's thinking that I might be still sleeping & would call him when I woke up.
but on my side, I just kept waiting.. hoping to recieve a little concern that is initiated by him & not when until I call out to him & then hear him asking " are you feeling better now ? "






I wonder if my thinking is inappropraite in this way or will my action of not calling him hurt him?






i don't know..
i was just hoping to hear some initiated concern from him, & without me calling to his phone first.



i only know that
i'm not feeling good now - mentally
i felt hurt.
& it's pain.
probably due to my flu ?